Stuttering, the Coming Out Story

Transcript

Maya :

I'm Maya and I'm a woman who stutters.

Cynthia :              

And I'm Cynthia and I know nothing about stuttering.

Maya :          

And this is Proud Stutter, a podcast about shifting the narrative around stuttering and exploring what it means to be verbally diverse.

Cynthia :             

I like how you laugh after I said, uh, I don't know anything about stuttering. You’re like, Yeah, that's right. You don't. Cool. So let's get started.

Maya :

Yeah, so stuttering actually impacts 1% of American adults. That's almost 3 million adults who stutter in the United States. 

Cynthia :

Wow, I did not realize that it was that many people. That means that I know probably at least two people.

Maya:

The reason why that number is kind of shocking is because a lot of people, including myself, try really hard to hide their stutter, especially in front of strangers and people outside of, you know, their immediate circle of friends and family.

Cynthia:

Yeah, that makes sense. Because there's something that you can hide not everyone can see it from the outside. 

Maya:

Right, exactly. 

Cynthia:

And just for the people who might not know, stuttering is a communication disorder in which the flow of speech is broken by repetitions, prolongations, or abnormal stoppages of sounds and syllables. So Maya, why don't you tell everyone what proud stutter is about and why we started it.

Maya:

The idea really came from my fiancee, actually. I was talking to him about really wanting to do a creative project to get really outside of my day job and to really focus on something that I was super passionate about. And so the first idea um before I kind of listened to my fiance's advice was to do a podcast around books because books are something I really love. I like read a book a week and and then the next day when we were talking about it again, he said, Why don't you talk about stuttering. And as soon as he said that, everything just click, and it's a part of me that I never really wanted to reveal to people, which is exactly why I should be doing it. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling like that. And I think talking about stuttering, which is not really talked about. Stuttering is something that, you know, it's a struggle, and it's something that is unique to a lot of people. And I think just changing the conversation around stuttering can really help a lot of people and help society really understand um stuttering in general.

Cynthia:

Kyle is such an idea, man, Kyle is my fiancee. Um, I'm really glad that we're not talking about books, not because I don't like books. But I don't have time to read a book a week, or however many would be. So Maya, you mentioned earlier that 1% of American adults have a stutter. And I think the reason that that's shocking to all of us is because people who have a stutter are really good at hiding it. And I know that you are also very good at hiding it. So I wanted to ask you, why are you choosing to come out about it now, after so many years of trying to suppress it? Where has this pride come from?

Maya:

Stuttering has always been one of the most vulnerable things about me. And the reason why I think that is because even in therapy, I don't really talk about my stutter, because it's just so deeply hidden in me that, you know, it's-it's often times you know, the part of me even when I'm working on myself, I don't really talk about just because I've gotten so good at hiding it. So this podcast, the reason why I have so much pride is, I really feel for the people out there who are struggling with stuttering because it is not easy. And I'm just hoping that in some small way that this podcast will-will help others and help you know really show that people are not alone and that there's other people that are experiencing the same thing because when I was little I didn't know anyone that stuttered. And going through like middle school and high school and not knowing anyone else has stuttered. It was very lonely. So that is why I knew I needed to just do it. Not for myself, but for all the verbally diverse people in the world, 

Cynthia:

And maybe even make some friends. 

Maya:

Exactly. Yeah, I am so excited to talk to other people that stutter. It's something that I just can't wait to do throughout th-this whole podcast.

Cynthia:

So I remember when you first told me about your stutter, and I was kind of shocked because I had no idea. And it didn't seem like it was something that you ever really talked about to anyone. It was just kind of like, Oh, yeah, you know, have a stutter. And I was like, What? So when did you start opening up to people? Because for me, I remember you were telling me I think like late college, 

Maya:

When I'm comfortable enough, I feel like I had opened up to you, us getting closer and closer. So usually I don't really open up to people until you know, I've gotten to know them a little bit better. But just recently, after I started thinking about doing a podcast around stuttering, I did start opening up about my stutter any chance I could get because I wanted to kinda see what people thought about it. And I learned that a lot of people had no idea how to stutter. So that just made me even more excited to this podcast because I knew that it was a connection point. And people really resonated with it not necessarily in connection with stuttering. But you know, a lot of people are facing similar struggle st-struggles with trying to hide different parts of themselves for fear of judgment. And I even had a father say, hey, Maya, like, my son has a hearing i-impediment, or you know, some hearing issues. And even though like stuttering and hearing loss is very different, it's still a similar struggle for a parent, because they really just want to help their child as best they can. And, you know, having these things come up in childhood, like a stutter, like having, you know, hearing loss, it can be really difficult for a parent to go through.

Cynthia:

You know, it's interesting, because I can kind of relate to this, because as I've been telling people in my life about this podcast, it's so interesting to hear their response, because they always say, Wow, that's really cool. First of all, and then second of all, they always, always are able to relate. So I've had friends that I've known for a really long time say, Yeah, I used to have a stutter. That's awesome. And, you know, i-it came as a shock to me, because it was something that they never talked about, right? Another thing they would say is, oh, yeah, I know someone who has a really bad stutter or struggled with stuttering for a really long time. It's really interesting that the more I talked about it, the more I realized how many people have stutters and and how this topic can really connect to people.

Maya:

Wow, I had no idea that you were getting those reactions. That is wonderful to hear. And it makes me so excited to do this. Because as fun as it is to hang out with you, Cy-Cynthia, it feels so good to know that this resonates with people and that this could maybe help people be more accepting of themselves.

Cynthia:

Yeah, and I hope our listeners out there can relate as well. And I hope you're listening because because you can relate and you want to connect with us and with other people who have a stutter. Um, So I think Maya, our listeners are probably wanting to know about your life story. So could you tell us about when you started stuttering, and you know how that affected your childhood, I’m really curious about how that affected your social interactions as a child.

Maya:

So I ha-have had my stutter ever since I think I was four years old, maybe five years old. And what I learned after, you know, starting my research around stuttering is that one in 20 children will have some sort of stutter um it usually starts between the ages of two and seven and 70 to 90% of those children will grow out of it before adulthood. So most-most kids grow out of it. And kids who continue to stutter like me are likely to continue stuttering into adulthood and you know, into later years. So we adult stutters are the minority. Most kids outgrow it. And like I said before, stuttering is very different person to person. For me it stuttering really comes and goes so you might notice, like my friends might notice or my co-workers might notice that you know, I stutter in certain p-periods of time and then all of a sudden I'm like, okay, and I'm getting through my words okay, and you know, there's nothing I can really do about that fluctuating and and remembering my latest flare up of stuttering is when I was starting my job over a year and a half ago, or over a year ago. And during my first two months I was stuttering as much as I've ever stuttered in such a long time. Like I can't even remember the time, the ti-last time I'd stuttered that much. And I think it was a lot of it had to do with, there's just so many changes going on in my life. I was starting a new job, I just got a puppy, I just moved. So all these things were happening. And I think that definitely contributed to my stutter. Um, I can't say for sure, because the research really isn't clear exactly what causes stuttering. But, what I do know is that, you know, stuttering does have to do with the wiring of your brain. So maybe like my anxiety was messing with the wiring in my brain. Who knows, but all I know is that that was a really tough stuttering episode. But at the same time, a lot of good came out of it, because I learned that a lot of my co workers also stuttered.

Cynthia:

I was just gonna ask when you had the stuttering episode, did people either console you or you know confide in you that they used to stutter as well.

Maya:

One person called me actually, like, this was probably a month into me starting and said, Hey, Maya, like I noticed you had a stutter. And I just wanted to say, you know, I-I had a stutter, too. And, you know, I just wanted to say like, I just and I-I'm curious about it like boba, and so he kind of just opened up the conversation, and I was I felt so connected to him in that moment. And ever since we've had such a great working relationship, I think it's because we were able to bond over something so personal.

Cynthia:

That is so sweet. 

Maya:

Yeah. 

Cynthia:

I think maybe we have our first proud stutter. listener.

Maya:

Yep, I actually haven't told him about it yet. 

Cynthia:

Oh, really? 

Maya:

Well, sure.

Cynthia:

Well, you can find out.

Maya:

I know, I'm going to tell him eventually. But yeah, I'm still a little nervous about opening up to some people about it. But you know, once it's out there, it's out there. Right, Cynthia?

Cynthia:

Yeah. And I hope he knows that he has had, you know, really great impact on you during a rough part of your life.

Maya:

But he will now

Cynthia:

Yeah, yeah, I think it'll be really special for him to hear about it here.

Maya:

Yeah, I agree. 

Cynthia:

It's really interesting for me to hear you talk about your stutter, because again, you're able to suppress it pretty well in your day to day life. And you know, when I'm hanging out with you, I think we have a pretty comfortable relationship. You're in your comfort zone. So I haven't actually heard your stutter very much. And I do think that I have a pretty stereotypical understanding of what stutters typically sound like I know it's a spectrum. It can sound like a lot of different things. What does your sound like?

Maya:

Yeah, so my stutter usually is something l-l-like this. So I repeat certain parts of the beginning of the word. Um, other forms of stuttering are more elongated, lllllike this, sometimes my stutter is more prolonged gated like that, too. And that sometimes it can even be like breaks in speech. So like um-um-um like this, that's another form of stuttering.

Cynthia:

I think what I've heard from you most is just a long pause. And you do this thing where you kind of you tilt your head up a little bit, and you're trying to, like, I can see you trying to get the word out. I think that's what I've seen from you most. 

Maya:

Yeah. And, you know, like we've been saying stuttering can show up in very different ways. And sometimes when I tilt my head or switch my head, I often am trying to switch words mid-sentence to avoid stuttering. And that is a practice of like that's really ingrained in me. So it's really hard for me to just stutter because I'm so used to just trying to switch my words. Um, and so that can sometimes lead to like having a very choppy and jumbled sentence, which is annoying. And, you know, sometimes I really try to get a word out my face like scrunches up and I have this just weird, r-really weird facial expression. So yeah.

Cynthia:

I've seen you blink a little bit faster throughout your pause. Besides the physical act of having a stutter, what would you say is the hardest part about having a stutter for you?

Maya:

The hardest thing about my stutter is so much of the tools I've used to prevent my stutter are so ingrained in me that it's really hard to unlearn all these things now that I am proud of my stutter, and I'm not afraid of it anymore. And one example of that is, you know, trying really hard to switch words ahead of when I speak. So sometimes I might not use the best word in my brain, just because I know it's, it's easier for me to say, so that could show up as not being intelligent or using a word in, you know, in the wrong way. So a lot of people just don't realize like that's, that's a trick that a lot of stutters use, including myself.

Cynthia:

I think what's interesting about that is, I think we all kind of have that a little bit. And it's interesting that you, you specifically bring it up because of your stutter because I definitely have moments where I'll have this big word saved in the back of my head, and then one day, I'll find the perfect opportunity to use it. And you know, in every other time I've been too scared or wasn't exactly the right word. And then when I finally use it, I'm like, Yes!

Maya:

Yep, and there are so many words where I've kind of put on the backburner just knowing that you know, there's certain letters and consonants that I just I know I'll stutter on. Back with my fiance was my boyfriend, I would never call him boyfriend, because Bs are so hard for me to say, I so instead of calling him my boyfriend, I'd always use the term Partner. And I know partner is, you know, the better word to use anyway, just because it's gender neutral, but I never used boyfriend because I-I always was afraid that I'd mess it up.

Cynthia:

That's so funny, because for anyone who doesn't know, we're in San Francisco. And so you know, we, that kind of language is very, very common. And so I remember hearing you say, Partner, and I thought, wow, maybe I should start using that term. Because it's more gender neutral. I had no idea that it was because of your stutter.

Maya:

Yeah, I think it was because of both. But when I don't, when I'm not in San Francisco, and let's say, I-I'm visiting my fiance's parents, and I use that they're like, wait, what, like, and so I wouldn't use the term boyfriend in that situation. But I still use the word partner just because it's the word I'm more comfortable with. And even when I go visit my parents in LA, they always make fun of me for using the word partner.

Cynthia:

Yeah, it's it's so interesting, because you, that was sort of your compromise, right? Like, I can't say the word boyfriend. So I'm going to say the word partner instead. And still, everyone's like, why are you using partner? That sounds really frustrating, actually. So you talked earlier about, you know, claiming your stutter and having pride in it now and trying to unlearn all these tactics that you've used to suppress your stutter. Like, for example, using the word partner instead of boyfriend, and you know, taking the time to unlearn all those things? How do you decide? You know, because I'm sure just for the sake of clarity and for understanding for others, you have to make that decision, right? So how do you decide when to suppress it? And when to let other people know that you have a stutter and show it?

Maya:

Oh my gosh, that I honestly don't know how to answer that. Because my brain is so wired to immediately do that, that sometimes it's out of my control, unless I really try like even I bet if I have a conversation tomorrow and I'm debating whether or not to use boyfriend or partner I mean, I guess nowadays fiance and-and F's are very easy for me to say. So fiance is not a problem. But yeah, it's just the way my brain is trained, because I'll remind our listeners, I've had a stutter since I was five. And the bullying started very young. So in response to the bullying, I just tried really hard to hide my stutter, because I didn't want to feel that pain. So this stuff is really ingrained in me. And I think, you know, it varies from person to person. So it's just something that is automatic,

Cynthia:

Right? Like it's just so natural to at this point. 

Maya:

Exactly. 

Cynthia:

And I know a lot of our listeners can relate to that. Because as we mentioned, a lot of people have a stutter, and that we don't know about right. And I think I know the answer to this last question, but let's say there was a magic pill that you could take to cure your stutter, would you do it?

Maya:

So unfortunately, there's no cure for stuttering. But I will answer your question and say no, I would not because I am proud of my stutter. But I have not always felt like that. Um, I bet you asked me when I was in middle school, I would have said yes, with a big capital Why? But wh-what's good about the research is it has come a long way in identifying the causes of stuttering. So, you know, we do know that it has to do something with genetics, you know, stuttering tends to run in-in families. So you know, for example, like half of children who stutter are related to someone else who does; that was found in a study. And that brings us to the end of the first episode of Proud Stutter. Cynthia, thank you so much. You had amazing questions, and I am so excited to be taking this journey with you.

Cynthia:

Yeah, I learned a lot about young Maya, I thought it was very cute for our relationship, our growing relationship. And you know, like we said, we would like to hear from you. What are you curious about when it comes to stuttering? Do you yourself ha-have a stutter? D-Do someone you know have a stutter? Yeah, we're just really, we really want to know what topics you're interested in so we can integrate them into our future episodes. 

Maya:

And that's it for this episode. I'm Maya. 

Cynthia:

And I'm Cynthia,

Maya:

And you've been listening to proud stutter. This episode of proud stutter was produced by me Maya. 

Cynthia:

And edited by me, Cynthia. Our music was composed by agusto deniz and our artwork by Mara Ezekiel and Noa Chupkov.

Maya:

If you have an idea, or want to be part of future episodes, find us on Twitter @proudstutter. You can also find us at proudstutter.com.
Maya:

Cynthia:

Drop us a note or share a voice memo. What's your stuttering story? What topics would you like us to cover? And what are you curious about And if you liked the show, you can leave us a review wherever you are listening to this podcast. More importantly, tell your friends to listen too. 

Maya:

Until we meet again. Thanks for listening. Be proud, and be you.